Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
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All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
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The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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