Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
