Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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