Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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