after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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