i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
