I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
