You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
