he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I will be naked everywhere
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
