i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
