Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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