dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My feet surprised me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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