you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
