Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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