Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I want a musical about memes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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