Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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