Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
