any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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