I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize