apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
