Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I checked into jail on foursquare
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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