Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
