Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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