Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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