no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.