Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?