it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
