I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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