i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
