one two three fourrrrnication!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
