drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
