we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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