First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
