the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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