Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We smell like vodka and hangover
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