oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
