Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
