I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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