i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
