At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
