they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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