I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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