totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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