i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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