Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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