we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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