The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
