Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
