I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
