I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
