i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Randomize
