I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
