oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
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using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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