You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
