maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
