Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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