bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
